What a great day for liberalism and local democracy. The good burghers of Beddington and Wallington have enacted a “voluntary smoking ban” in the area’s public playgrounds. £3200 of honest, hard-working local taxpayers’ money has been allocated to the scheme which local councillors now hope to roll out across the rest of the borough.
This radical and presumably unique project has just one minor flaw: it has no legal basis whatsoever. Sutton’s LibDem councillors see no legal or linguistic impediment to the idea of a “voluntary ban” which in plain English would probably look more like a request. Deviant playground smokers flouting the voluntary ban run the risk of muted social disapproval. Serious and repeat offenders may find themselves being tutted at by council wardens.
Fortunately, the council has science on its side. The new “voluntary ban” is the permanent establishment of a pilot scheme that was enacted after Councillor Bruce Glithero complained that passive smoking left his daughter spluttering. His research findings can be read in more detail in the latest edition of the Journal of Anecdotal Evidence.
Sutton is to be congratulated for this bold experiment in local democracy. The beauty of a “voluntary ban” is that you can “ban” anything, just as long as you don’t ban anything. Everyone can have a go. It’s democratic, accessible and incredibly liberal.
I’ll be writing to my local committee to address the following issues with voluntary “bans”:
- Men not wearing shirts in public. “Ban” them.
- The word “whatever” used as a sentence substitute. “Ban” it instantly.
- People wearing hoods when the weather is fine. A “ban” is the only solution.
- Groups that cross the road in a haphazard and slovenly fashion. If a “ban” won’t make them cross brisky, simultaneously and perpendicularly to the carriageway, nothing will.
- Rainy weekends followed by fine Monday mornings. Surely a “ban” would be a step forward?
- Children sitting on steps and talking. “Ban” it immediately! Oh, they already did, for real.
What would you “ban” today?
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Updated on 19 October with a photo by Cllr Terry Faulds of a sign in Beddington Park.